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Saturday, November 18th, 2000
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10:04 pm
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I've been bad tonight. I didn't work out...there's a hundred excuses I could make, but I won't. I'll make up the time tomorrow, but I know I still should have done it tonight.
I made dinner and left out some for my Love for when He gets home.
I don't know what's with me tonight. I'm probably just tired. I did a ton of writing and I dyed my hair and did my nails. I just haven't been sleeping well, either. (I know...bitchbitchbitch...)
I just took a sleeping pill and i'm waiting for it to kick in. As usual at this time of night, I simply miss my Master and I wish He could come home to me sooner. I feel better and sleep so much better just having Him near me -even just in the other room. I think I've been a bit needy and clingy lately, and I know that annoys Him sometimes. But I've just been feeling so affectionate and when He's not here, I miss him. I wonder if He knows how much....
current mood:  tired
current music: Poe - Haunted
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| Friday, November 17th, 2000
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9:16 pm - tired and sweaty
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Don't you wish you were here, Love? *grin*
I went to Media Play today - meant to just buy a CD, but found a video tape of "fat-burning belly dancing". I almost laughed, but it was cheap and I miss going to belly dance classes, so I got it.
30 minutes later, I'm exhausted and sweaty. I didn't even make it through the whole tape. Its a tape of these gorgious twins *boggle* belly dancing and hopping around and smiling the whole time. I simply couldn't keep up. But it was fun (MUCH better than jogging on the treadmill!) and I'm going to try to get through the whole tape tomorrow. (note: Master, you might enjoy the dances at the end. They roll credits over them, but 1) I think you'll find these girls amazing to look at and 2) they really are good dancers and *very* sexy!)
I need to write a little about last night's activities, but I think I need to think about it a little more as well. I loved kneeling next to my Love, half asleep, resting my head on His knee. He was so gentle and sweet, stroking my hair and rubbing my neck. I felt so safe and loved.
Making love later...well, I need to think a little about the scene He took me into. It was sweet and gentle, but definately with a kink. I certainly didn't mind it - enjoyed it thoroughly, in fact! I just need to analyze what the little girl/Daddy roles play with in my head.
Going to bed now (after a quick shower!)...looking forward to my Master climbing in bed with me later tonight, even if just to feel him lying next to me...
current mood:  dirty
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| Thursday, November 16th, 2000
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7:34 pm - Beginnings
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I tried to begin this journal several weeks ago and didn't have much luck. I thought that maybe I'd have more luck here since I've been writing frequently in the other journal I have here.
I'm writing this for my Master, as a way of keeping us communicating, and also because there are some things that I can't seem to get past my lips, even when the lights are off and I'm snuggled into His arms and I can whisper anything to Him. Also, in the tradition of sub/slave journals, this is a place where I can note any orders, proving that I understood them and heard them. It will help me remember and be more obedient. And, I can keep track of whether I've followed those orders.
Before I get to the philosophical and emotional stuff, there's something I need to address. I'm under orders to exercise 3 times a week for half an hour on Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. This has been near impossible for me, only because I have no willpower. I'm kind of beating myself up for this, and I truly want to follow orders on this matter. For tonight only, I'd like to make a compromise. The truth is, I've had a little more to drink than I should have, and the idea of taking a walk or a jog doesn't sound safe to me just now. So, I'll do at least 15 minutes of yoga tonight, and then exercise fully tomorrow.
Now...on to the "deep" stuff. Bear in mind, in this state (not quite drunk, but damn close), my writing style tends to get damned pretentious and I'll probably ramble quite a bit. Forgive me.
First, I hope my Master, my Love, sees this journal the way I mean it; as a gift, as a trust, as a subtle submission. Even sitting here writing, I can feel the submission that comes with complete and utter honesty. This is the kind of feeling and love for Him that I strive for.
There are times that I wonder how serious He is about this relationship. Not our relationship - I know that as a husband and a lover and above all, a friend, I can never find better. But in a Master/slave relationship...I wonder if its really what He wants. Sometimes He seems so alive as a Dom. The role fits Him so well. But in the back of my mind I wonder if its really what He wants, or if He's only doing this to please me. I'm the one that suggested it, introduced the idea. I don't like the idea, as a sub/slave, of manipulating the situation. I've always found the "topping from the bottom" philosophy kind of distasteful...I like to be straightforward, and I don't want to be manipulative in any way.
I wonder, should He buy me a collar, if its something He really wants me to wear, or if He's only doing it because he knows I want it. I wonder if He knows that a collar, especially a semi-permanent one like the ones we were looking at, means as much, if not more, to me than my wedding ring.
To me, the idea of wearing His collar means offering up all the submission and love I can muster. Its a permanent sign of ownership, a reminder that I am His. I want that. I want to give Him that more than anything.
Sometimes I don't think He realizes how fully I am His. And I simply don't know how to express it. I wish He could get inside my head and feel what I do when I'm completely at His mercy, laying beside him or kneeling at His feet, willing to do anything to please Him.
OK, there's something I need to note here. My philosophy on the D/s relationship. To me, as a sub/slave, being His, being owned, means mainly this: I am free to feel and free to do anything. The guidelines are set for me, much as they are for a small child, but beyond that, I don't need to be afraid of my fear or my emotions, because I know that I am owned and with that, *protected*. Belonging to a good, loving Master, means that I am safe, even from myself.
As for "doing anything", I mean only that I have my orders, and that I have to remember that everything I do reflects on my Master. I want to please him, so I will act accordingly. This colours every bit of my life, as well. When I'm late to work, I'm reminded that even though He probably wouldn't mind, as long as it wasn't happening constantly, it still doesn't reflect well on Him. I take better care of my appearance on a daily basis, because I am His and I want Him to be pleased with me and proud of me.
In short, being owned in this way, lends me a pride and strength that I probably wouldn't have otherwise. Wanting to please, and wanting to be something of a jewel He can show off proudly (this isn't only through appearance, but manners, intelligence...everything). Knowing that He is, in a round-about way, responsible for me, makes me that much more careful in everything I say and do. It gives me a freedom, as well; as long as my Master is pleased, I have no reason to care what anyone else thinks.
Being owned means that I am treasured and cared for, loved, protected. I don't wish to be submissive because I am weak. Being submissive, trusting to such an extent, makes me strong.
current mood:  loved
current music: Tori
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pet's journal